Sister Doreen’s Reflections
Sometime ago Sister Margaret Ruth, who is our librarian at the Convent, gave me a quote from a book she was reading that caused a smile and a chuckle at the profound wisdom and difficult challenge it contained. It became food for reflection and meditation. The book was called: ‘Lady in Waiting’ an autobiography by Anne Glenconner, who was Princess Margaret’s lady in waiting.
In the book Dorothy Neville-Rolfe coined the phrase: “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.”
Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us that there is a time to keep silent and a time to speak. But when? How? Life is so contradictory! There is such a fine balance that we all walk in any kind of relationship or situation.
To discern the difference between knowing when to speak or be silent, we need to prayerfully and humbly seek wisdom and discernment. Just thinking about that fine line between speaking and keeping silent – what are some of the emotions that lie beneath the surface? Sometimes feelings of anger or disappointment straddle that fine line between speaking up and keeping silent and can overwhelm us. And they can cause us to be angry at ourselves for being angry or disappointed. We need to acknowledge these feelings, listen to them, discern the wisdom of how to speak the truth that builds up and does not break down or tear apart our relationships or situations.
Benedict counsels us in his Rule about a little less talk and a little more thought. What one gleans from Benedict’s Rule is that silence is the better part of communication. Joan Chittister in one of her Daily Meditations wrote: “Silence brings three aspects to speech that not only sharpen it, but also enrich it, give it depth, create bonds instead of barriers. It teaches us to go down inside ourselves, to hear beyond the babble of ambitions, old angers and petty irritations where we can become conscious once again of the ever-present God within us. It gives us the space where we can think things through and begin to feel more secure. And it lets us hear our own cries of fear and pain and resistance, introduces us to ourselves in a way that frees us to go beyond ourselves.”
However, keeping silent can also be unhelpful and even harmful. It can become our private game of escapism. Is it fear, lack of self-confidence or anxiety that is causing us to keep silent in the midst of our deep concerns, our pursuit of justice, and our caring heart? When we allow this to happen, and take a cowardly silent back seat to injustice or untruth of any kind, are we not out of step with the real art of conversation of saying the right thing at the right place?
Ephesians 4:29 states, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Living together with all our differences, while navigating a potentially hard conversation, is something that we all need to be willing to do in community. We all need to be heard, and it is when we are heard that we become more confident. Everyone wants to be treated in a way that shows they matter. However, when what I say will only escalate someone else’s anger or when what they say is only meant to goad mine, holy silence saves the day and the soul of the relationship.
Joan Chittister goes on to say in her daily meditation: “When what is being said is said with malice, no matter how ‘true’ on one level, truth has not failed us; we have failed truth. When nothing is changing in the attitude or openness of either party, it’s time for self-reflection. What is it in me that has brought this encounter to this point? It’s when we refuse to reflect on our own behaviours and motives and responses that our speech begins to give us away. Then, the language gets divisive and accusatory, loud and irascible. Then we bully and force, demean and deride. Then, as it says in the Gospel, ‘your speech betrays you’. (Matthew 26:73)”
Of the many references in scripture about speaking, there are two that stand out for me, and cause me to stop and ponder.:
- One of the clearest texts on the importance of listening is in James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” In other words, hurry up and listen, but slow down — way down — when you think it’s time to speak.
- Whenever in the yearly round of praying the psalms that we come to psalm 39 I find myself moved into deep pondering and reflection. The translation of the psalms that we use is an inclusive language version of the BAS. “I said, ‘I will keep watch upon my ways; so that I do not offend with my tongue. I will put a muzzle on my mouth while the wicked are in my presence.’ So I held my tongue and said nothing, I refrained from rash words; but my pain became unbearable. My heart was hot within me, while I pondered, the fire burst into flame. I spoke out with my tongue.”
How hard it is to practice this self-control! It is what caused me to smile and then to break out in laughter when I read Dorothy Neville-Rolfe’s quote! Self-control – It is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), and how often it is necessary to seek the wisdom needed to control our tongue! My laughter had in it ‘oh how I wish!’
In Charlie Mackesy’s book ‘The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse’: the mole asks the boy “what do you want to be when you grow up? “Kind” said the boy. “What do you think success is?’ asked the boy. “To love,” said the mole. The mole and the boy offer us a formula to undergird our discernment of when it is the right thing at the right place and the wrong thing at the most tempting moment. Their response to the questions asked – kind and to love – whatever I want to say, with as much passion as I feel, the measure of how I say it needs to be undergirded with those two words: kindness and love. This is the hard discipline that we are called to – and I think how often I fall down, and get up, and try again. It is perhaps a fitting response to smile and to laugh, in kindness and with compassion for myself and for each other as travelling along the road called the art of real conversation!
“Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24 “So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
