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Posted on: February 25th, 2020

By Kelsea, SSJD Companion

I am not sure how I wake up to my alarm. It gives off one little pulse on the sixth hour of the day. It is imperceptible, though it does the job of waking me up for the day; mostly.

Morning. 

There is a little less darkness outside today. 

Through the side of the curtains, I have been able to see the night slowly recede from this hour this past while; encouraging at six am in the midst of winter. My eyelids and heavy limbs are just as desperate to stay in bed as my soul is. 

Tuesday. 

How is it Tuesday again? I suppose I wasn’t entirely productive on my day off. Do I feel refreshed? 

Maybe if I just take my arms out of the blankets and close my eyes for a bit…deep breaths…

Where was I? 

Right. A new day. 

I should really do this sitting up, but it is just so difficult during winter; breathe. 

Maybe I need a word to return to, I keep drifting… breathe again. 

Today. What am I doing today? 

Studying, and serving at the Eucharist. I mustn’t forget now; don’t muddle it up on your second go. 

I should clean my shoes. Oh, my cross needs a new string…

Wait… I did it again. 

Listen.

My feet hit the floor and I feel a little more still; tolerably awake. I can’t bear to leave my cell before seven. I don’t drink coffee and I definitely don’t want tea this early. I like to maintain an illusion of solitude as long as possible, though I can hear a shower running somewhere and slippers on the carpet of the wanderers in the hall. 

I haven’t written yet, maybe just a litany for now; one for patience to deal with myself and peace just for today… Uphold me, O Holy One. 

I am down for breakfast and back upstairs before we gather in the chapel for morning prayer. My curtains and blinds are open and light is wandering in. The clouds seem to be covering the sun today, but morning has broken at last. I carry my cup and book to the refectory. A cup for tea later. A book for the silence after eating at dinner. Unladen, to the chapel I wander. An act of reverence before I turn to sit in the choir. My prie-dieu, space for me to sit and be, in the place for silence, solitude, wrestling, and peace; together and apart. 

The bell tolls.

The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary…

We stand, a sentence is read, a note is played.

Open our lips, O God… 

O God, make haste…

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.